ondoy oy!

ondoy left us all devastated. great, just great.
lend a hand. yes, many people needs you more than you'll ever know.

up above

tatay just passed away. and now, lolo did.

it is very painful to know that in less than a month, both of my grandfathers passed away. how could my heart break again if it isn't even whole to start with? i've just recovered and now i'm back to the first phase of the five stages of grief.

i say, spend your time with your loved ones as much as you can. tell them you love them before it is too late. make good memories and laugh hard. say sorry for all the things you never meant to do unto them... because our lives don't belong to anyone but God.

when i look at the heavens, i can almost see both my grandfathers happy, free of pain and finally at peace.
Tatay and Lolo, I love both of you very much... FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

boiling point

have you ever felt so little that you can almost befriend the ants? have you ever experienced being snobbed after being all so nice? have you ever smiled like a dog just to please a person? have you ever met a poker faced creature? have you ever spent 8 hours with a person like that? have you ever felt like sticking a syringe needle to her face because she is just so mean and morose? have you ever reached your boiling point?

if i would be asked those questions i would answer a big freaking YES! yes, i did. and i am so agitated. why are there people who just don't know how to be nice? grr. like she is carrying the whole world in her shoulders. i just wanna give her a tutorial CD of 'how to be nice to other people and how to smile at them because they are so helpful and how to be a good example to the younger ones and how to be humble for dummies.' oh, i can still feel the annoyance.

excuse me, i have to do deep breathing or else i don't know what will happen next.

refrigerated pasta

i was too lazy to get out of bed. i just feel so tired. yes, absolutely tired. i even had no energy to cook my self a decent breakfast. i raided our refrigerator and all i saw were leftovers. the spaghetti caught my attention and remembered that i was the one who cooked it last night. yes, cold spaghetti had to be a perfect breakfast. and i don't have the energy to heat it in the microwave either so i just went straight to the kitchen counter. as i was masticating my red refrigerated pasta, i just cannot stop remembering what a relative of one of our patients told me. she knows how to use tarot cards so she had this free session with us.

she said i have a mission in this world. like i can be a faith healer or mind reader or something. riggggghhhht. maybe i'm like peter petrelli or spiderman or buttercup. i'm in doubt of course. i have 10% belief on what she said but the other 90% is still in what-the-hell state.

but imagine that, right? i wonder how it feels to be one. maybe you have this great responsibility, as spiderman says. i will have to design my costume too, i say. but i would never be the popular hero, though. i'd be the friendly mysterious hero. like bob ong's kapitan sino. and hey, i need side kicks. one who can do all kinds of kicks and punches. ha-ha- ha! riggghhhhttt. it is so funny.

would you believe that this hero thing is actually on my mind the whole day? damn, cold spaghetti has bad side effects. don't ever try it. yeah, true.

recovered

we did CPR, we administered the meds, we did our best but she died. her husband was crying and saying words of goodbye and i can't help but to cry too so i left the room.

i still remember my grandfather. this is the reason why i haven't blogged ever since he left. i just cannot write anything. i still feel pain and it seems that i cannot tell stories about happy things. now i know how to lose someone. i remember that i was one of the strongest in our duty group. i don't cry when a patient dies. but now it is different. when i see a patient struggle i become deeply saddened. and yesterday, when we lost the lady even after all we did to revive her, i almost broke down. i now feel what a person feels when someone you love goes back to the arms of God.

but when i woke up this morning, i had a different feeling. my grandpop is on my mind. while i was doing the household chores i remember him and the things he usually tells us. my lolo knows me as a happy and jolly person and he always tells me back then that i should always smile. so because of that... i think i should be back to my old, happy self. he will get angry for sure if he sees me still sad and hurt.

i know, we will all die. and i will see him again soon, that's for sure. he wants me to be happy, i just feel it. i mean, not happy because he is gone but happy because he is now at peace.

so here i am, proudly saying that i am A- okay again. i'm back to my old crappy self. yipee :)