recovered

we did CPR, we administered the meds, we did our best but she died. her husband was crying and saying words of goodbye and i can't help but to cry too so i left the room.

i still remember my grandfather. this is the reason why i haven't blogged ever since he left. i just cannot write anything. i still feel pain and it seems that i cannot tell stories about happy things. now i know how to lose someone. i remember that i was one of the strongest in our duty group. i don't cry when a patient dies. but now it is different. when i see a patient struggle i become deeply saddened. and yesterday, when we lost the lady even after all we did to revive her, i almost broke down. i now feel what a person feels when someone you love goes back to the arms of God.

but when i woke up this morning, i had a different feeling. my grandpop is on my mind. while i was doing the household chores i remember him and the things he usually tells us. my lolo knows me as a happy and jolly person and he always tells me back then that i should always smile. so because of that... i think i should be back to my old, happy self. he will get angry for sure if he sees me still sad and hurt.

i know, we will all die. and i will see him again soon, that's for sure. he wants me to be happy, i just feel it. i mean, not happy because he is gone but happy because he is now at peace.

so here i am, proudly saying that i am A- okay again. i'm back to my old crappy self. yipee :)

para kay tatay

'mag-ingat ka sa pagluwas!', 'magminandal ka muna.', 'ano ang balita?'... ito ang karaniwan mong maririnig mula sa labi ng aking lolo. hindi ko na maririnig pang muli ang mga salitang iyon. lagi siya doon sa may kusina, nakasilip sa bintana, nag-iisip, pinapanood ang bawat sasakyang dumadaan sa kanilang bahay. hindi ko na muli pa siya makikita sa kanyang upuan. hindi ko na muli pa siya masasabayan sa pagkain ng instant noodles. hindi ko na siya maipagluluto pa muli ng kanyang paboritong spaghetti. hindi ko na siya maririnig mangulit na kunin ang kanyang blood pressure. hindi ko na muli pa siya makikita... ang aking lolo, siya ay nasa langit na.

napakasakit. hindi ako makapaniwala. habang nagwawala ako sa taxi nang matanggap ko ang tawag ng aking pinsan, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. hindi ko matanggap na wala na ang pinakamamahal kong lolo. napakasakit isipin na may oras akong alagaan ang mga pasyente ko sa ospital tuwing nagduduty ako, pero hindi ko man lang naalagaan ang aking lolo sa kanyang huling mga sandali. hindi ko man lang siya nakapiling.

siguro nga, lahat tayo ay dumadating sa ganong pagkakataon. kaya ngayon, kahit napakasakit para sa aming lahat, iniisip na lang namin na mapayapa na ang aming tatay sa piling ng Diyos. hinihingi ko po ang inyong mga panalangin para sa aming tatay. maraming salamat po.

Tatay, mamimiss po namin kayo. Gusto ko po na malaman n'yo na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal po namin kayo at kayo po ay manantili sa aming mga puso.

blogless

i am not a vocal person. i actually fail during oral recitations because i cannot express the things processed in the three parts of my brain. as i always say, i can write but i cannot speak. i have this mannerism of stuttering and saying ahh's and uhmm's a gazillion times before actually delivering what i wanted to say. i am the president of our class and i still need a spokesperson to meet my 42 poker- faced, big- mouthed, hard- headed classmates. i hate the fact that i am a total loser in speaking. it is one of the skills a good nurse must have and unluckily, i don't have it.

and now, i think i am losing my ability to express my thoughts through writing. lately, i have been very eager to blog but i cannot blog anything. my brain says 'type' but my hand says 'i don't want to, dammit!'. so now, because i cannot really tell you anything sensible, i will just share this really creative video from a british teen named charlie. i think i'm starting to like his videos. he is just so cool.

nineteen

i just turned 19... well, one week ago. haha! and because of that i came up with my 19 resolutions. and one of those, never mind the others, is to be a better citizen of our country. i finally decided to register myself as a voter whenever i have the free time. it suddenly hit me, like a comet from the neighboring universe- one vote really counts alot, right?

politics was the topic of our conversation a while ago. because the operating room was so benign, we just talked about things as such. we had a good time talking about stupid, corrupt, evil politicians who don't know anything but to pocket the money of taxpayers. and we just find the idea of celebrities who run as mayor, governor, congressman or counselor stupid. they don't know anything about running a country. when will they stop? maybe a school exclusive for celebrity aspirants is a fabulous idea. they must take courses like theology so they can can fully understand the meaning of 7 cardinal sins, economics so they can actually do something good if ever they win, and a subject like i- will- be- a- true- leader- because- i- love- my- country- and- its- citizens. well, i am not a total stereotyper. i don't say that all politicians are evil. i know that SOME have true and sincere intentions. and i applaud them for that. i appreciate their effort to do good while the others do evil things secretly. yeah right, as if people don't know their dirty deeds.

many are called but few are chosen... let us choose the best of the bests. do you want change? i'm nineteen and i want change! let us vote wisely, okay? this is not an ad of AKO MISMO or whatever. i just want a decent work after graduation. yes, that's it.

yeah dude!

one of my guy friends felt that nature was calling him so he asked me if he can do number 2 in our unit. i said yes 'cause i felt he really needed to do the thing. my other guy friend came with us. and moments after, another two testosteroned humans came.

it felt weird hanging out with the guys. i mean, being alone with four crazy guys in a room. it is not like we did something really crazy but it was, i must say, funny. i proved that guys really talk like that. 'ganda ng chick na to oh!', 'f*ck, ang galing ng move na yun ah', 'ano bago sa uaap?' and blah blah blah. i've been with them for the longest time but it was only today that i realized how different it is to hang out with the guys. they eat like monsters, they really dig hot women, they giggle on a manly way, they laugh and talk with their mouths full. but after all the boyish, disgusting, extraordinary stuffs, serious matters were still there. boys talk about love. boys believe that they still need the feeling of being loved.

for two and a half hours, i was just staring and observing them- how they talk about girls, how they cheer for their B-ball team, how they eat one pack of hotdogs in two minutes, how they forgot that i am with them in my own unit. boys... they are really funny :)

the lady in yellow

I was still nothing when the EDSA revolution happened but my mom's stories tell me that this one woman had been a real icon of democracy. She was our country's first lady president and had been one of the world's finest leaders. Courage, faith and true leadership are the things she will always be remembered for. President Cory Aquino, you will forever be in every Filipino's heart.

this is happiness.

happiness. it is what i always want to feel. i just don't know exactly what it is. all i know is i feel happy when i read a comic book, when i eat french fries, when i doodle on a paper, when i look at the blue, blue sky, when i wake up on a sunny day, when i watch comedy films, when i had a satisfying sleep, when i see fireworks, when people crack jokes, when i shout at the top of my lungs, when i look at my family, when i pray at the church or chapel, when i see my crush, when i know i helped someone, when i give, when i forgive, when i topped a quiz, when my patient got better, when i received something.

and now i just feel it. the unexpected, unexplainable, great feeling. no duty tomorrow. OOOOOOOHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAH!

anxiety, oohhhh, anxiety!

i just finished looking at the list of the new registered nurses of our nation. 32, 617 out of 77, 901 passed. and now all i feel is severe anxiety! hwooh!

now i have the feeling of pressure. you see, people have this certain level of expectation that you must meet. and that 'people' are your PARENTS. the ones who worked very hard for every cent of your tuition fee. the ones who believe that you will make them proud. on the other hand, some people say "okay lang bumagsak sa una. god's will." but hey, would you ever allow that? 'course not, right?

i have nine short months! now is the time to be seriously serious. from now on, time is more precious than gold.

unhealthy living

school was busy. many requirements to do. group meetings every after noon. barely have time to relax. or at least eat a decent food .i know how to cook. and i actually love to. but obviously, my schedule just won't allow me.

i've been a regular customer of KFC, mcdonald's and jollibee. oh yeah, july has been my fast food month. i know that too much fast food is bad. maybe the bad cholesterol in my body is already befriending my arteries so they can bind there forever and give me hypertension. and i don't want that. so since today is my free day, i decided to do the grocery and buy some healthy stuffs.

my grocery list:
- mixed vegetables
- oranges
- green leaves
- bananas
- yogurt
- milk
- wheat bread
- milk
- tofu
- fruit juice

things in my basket when i reached the counter:
- instant noodles
- canned meat sauce
- chocolate drink
- junk foods
- cookies
- 1 small pack of mixed veggies

talking about healthy living, eh? oh deymn, that is why i hate going to the grocery alone.

nothingness

26 floors above the ground... i can see the whole of metro manila. the LRT, the PGH, the small establishments, the tall buildings of Makati, my school. it's sunday and everything's at peace. no rain. thank god!

i am interpreting and working on this lab works. oh i can't think of anything. i just want to stare out the window and just look at things. the things God gave us. the innovations of men. the LRT. oh how will everyone survive without it? the PGH. a big public hospital that caters to the most indigent people of our country. they have the best nurses and doctors. the only thing it lacks is better facilities. the small establishments and tall buildings... a thousand of them but when will our economy get better?

deymn. it's been 30 minutes and i still got a blank page. crap, i have to work. i need ice cream. i'll go down to buy ice cream then work. ice cream will get my brain working. eureka! it is the only thing i need.