oh holidays.

lights. gifts. food. drinks. love.
WHAT COULD BE GREATER THAN CHRISTMAS?

i'm a survivor

at long, long, long last. thesis defense is over. the world welcomes me again. i have resurrected. it's like i had been an outcast for 1 whole semester and now, it's time to shave that ugly grown facial hair and dress from the rugged, smelly clothes to what i was before. yipee. i'm proud to say i'm back and i am socially healthy once more.

and because of that, tonight is alcohol time. it's what stubborn teens do, right? celebration means you have to drink and be drunk and be brought home by your friends because you are already crawling your way out of the drinking place. well, i'm not like that. but i guess i just want to have fun and laugh out all those stressful moments and bad days.

goodbye friends, it's time to have fun before i forget what that word means. happy thursday night :)

a special letter

Dear Santa,

The birth of our Lord is nearly coming! In a few days time, it is already the moment for you to deliver your little presents to little eager, excited children. I know this is kinda late and probably your elves would curse me because maybe there is no time anymore to wrap my gift. But don't worry, my list is not that long. All i want for Christmas is uh... it's funny but... fine. I wish you can place a plastic of I-would-be-nice powder in my stockings hanging in our Christmas tree at home.

I badly need it because our thesis defense is like 3 days away. I plan to sprinkle some of that powder in our panel members' food so that they can feel the spirit of the yuletide season. By that, they would not give us major, crappy revisions. Our panel chair is one of the terrorists of our college and we are really anxious already.

Well, I know this is too much for me to ask but I hope you can give it earlier. Sorry Santa but I am proudly admitting that I am a desperate little child with thesis-inflicted-eye-bags. Thanks in advance. You're the greatest! :)


P.S. Sorry for the stockings, don't be surprised of the smell. I used it the other day when I had my 30-minute treadmill.

testosterone boys

are guys really unpredictable?

i guess this is one of the hardest question one would ever ask me. i could readily answer "yes, they are effing unpredictable!" but the hard part is why? seriously... WHY?! i don't get it why men act like a child having tantrums over a lollipop sometimes.

guys are fun to be with but then one second later they curse gazillion times and just get agitated like a rabid dog. i know, what an exaggerated comparison but it's 89% true. some guys shout "f*ck the world!" without reason. yeah, one of my guy friends is like that. but i still love him like my own brother. and it's just a minor thing of being unpredictable.

what's bloody confusing is how guys fall in love. the song says boys do fall in love. yeah right. funny. one day they're sweet, the second they're who-are-you-i-do-not-know-you-so-go-away. agh! i hate it. hey, i'm not bitter about love but it just confuses me so much. what am i supposed to do?

boys would always be boys and only them understands each other. yes, like a monkey understands a fellow monkey. period.

this whole vampire thing.

twilight sucked big time. it was boring and i really hated it. BIG BLOODY TIME! so when my friends asked me that we should see new moon together, i was like "i'd rather sleep than watch that boring movie!" but i was helpless, they kidnapped me and confined me inside that cold, dark movie house. i felt like crying.

well, THAT WAS BEFORE THE MOVIE STARTED. i just cannot wipe the smile away from my face when we exited the movie house. i can shout 'awwww, sweet' one thousand times after the film. and would you believe that it's not because of taylor laughtner's mouth-watering body but edward cullen's pale corpse- like look? edward is heart- melting. his sweet, deep, shakespeare-ish lines just gave me tachycradia. and when he said "marry me"? oh, you just would not believe how i giggled so loud that i can almost see people glaring at me like hungry tigers because i was such a loud- mouthed little girl.

yeah right. now i cannot admit that i'm already a member of i-love-edward-cullen club that i used to condemn.

hibernated

okay, welcome back to me. after a long, long time i am finally here. just got back from my one-week- minus-two-days sembreak. and i say, it is has been very fruitful. i slept like a hibernating polar bear. haha. right, very fruitful indeed.

i have been thinking... and guess what? it's all about love people, L-O-V-E! that butterflies-in-the-stomach thing. dr. seuss says "you know you're in love when you cannot sleep at night because reality is finally better than your dreams." and now reality is finally better than my dreams. does this mean i'm in love? if the answer is yes then i won't accept is. i am so not going to be.

i don't want to see myself smiling while texting. i don't wanna feel all so happy when someone says good morning. i don't want to doodle a name of whoever next to mine. i never want someone to hold my hand.

oh shit, and now i wanna curse myself for half- wishing all of those things are happening. i apologize... i know these are all so nonsense. love has very bad side effects. BOOM!

so damn good.

how does it feel to help the homeless by just putting things in a plastic bag? INCREDIBLE!!! like eating free oreo cheesecake :)

ondoy oy!

ondoy left us all devastated. great, just great.
lend a hand. yes, many people needs you more than you'll ever know.

up above

tatay just passed away. and now, lolo did.

it is very painful to know that in less than a month, both of my grandfathers passed away. how could my heart break again if it isn't even whole to start with? i've just recovered and now i'm back to the first phase of the five stages of grief.

i say, spend your time with your loved ones as much as you can. tell them you love them before it is too late. make good memories and laugh hard. say sorry for all the things you never meant to do unto them... because our lives don't belong to anyone but God.

when i look at the heavens, i can almost see both my grandfathers happy, free of pain and finally at peace.
Tatay and Lolo, I love both of you very much... FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

boiling point

have you ever felt so little that you can almost befriend the ants? have you ever experienced being snobbed after being all so nice? have you ever smiled like a dog just to please a person? have you ever met a poker faced creature? have you ever spent 8 hours with a person like that? have you ever felt like sticking a syringe needle to her face because she is just so mean and morose? have you ever reached your boiling point?

if i would be asked those questions i would answer a big freaking YES! yes, i did. and i am so agitated. why are there people who just don't know how to be nice? grr. like she is carrying the whole world in her shoulders. i just wanna give her a tutorial CD of 'how to be nice to other people and how to smile at them because they are so helpful and how to be a good example to the younger ones and how to be humble for dummies.' oh, i can still feel the annoyance.

excuse me, i have to do deep breathing or else i don't know what will happen next.

refrigerated pasta

i was too lazy to get out of bed. i just feel so tired. yes, absolutely tired. i even had no energy to cook my self a decent breakfast. i raided our refrigerator and all i saw were leftovers. the spaghetti caught my attention and remembered that i was the one who cooked it last night. yes, cold spaghetti had to be a perfect breakfast. and i don't have the energy to heat it in the microwave either so i just went straight to the kitchen counter. as i was masticating my red refrigerated pasta, i just cannot stop remembering what a relative of one of our patients told me. she knows how to use tarot cards so she had this free session with us.

she said i have a mission in this world. like i can be a faith healer or mind reader or something. riggggghhhht. maybe i'm like peter petrelli or spiderman or buttercup. i'm in doubt of course. i have 10% belief on what she said but the other 90% is still in what-the-hell state.

but imagine that, right? i wonder how it feels to be one. maybe you have this great responsibility, as spiderman says. i will have to design my costume too, i say. but i would never be the popular hero, though. i'd be the friendly mysterious hero. like bob ong's kapitan sino. and hey, i need side kicks. one who can do all kinds of kicks and punches. ha-ha- ha! riggghhhhttt. it is so funny.

would you believe that this hero thing is actually on my mind the whole day? damn, cold spaghetti has bad side effects. don't ever try it. yeah, true.

recovered

we did CPR, we administered the meds, we did our best but she died. her husband was crying and saying words of goodbye and i can't help but to cry too so i left the room.

i still remember my grandfather. this is the reason why i haven't blogged ever since he left. i just cannot write anything. i still feel pain and it seems that i cannot tell stories about happy things. now i know how to lose someone. i remember that i was one of the strongest in our duty group. i don't cry when a patient dies. but now it is different. when i see a patient struggle i become deeply saddened. and yesterday, when we lost the lady even after all we did to revive her, i almost broke down. i now feel what a person feels when someone you love goes back to the arms of God.

but when i woke up this morning, i had a different feeling. my grandpop is on my mind. while i was doing the household chores i remember him and the things he usually tells us. my lolo knows me as a happy and jolly person and he always tells me back then that i should always smile. so because of that... i think i should be back to my old, happy self. he will get angry for sure if he sees me still sad and hurt.

i know, we will all die. and i will see him again soon, that's for sure. he wants me to be happy, i just feel it. i mean, not happy because he is gone but happy because he is now at peace.

so here i am, proudly saying that i am A- okay again. i'm back to my old crappy self. yipee :)

para kay tatay

'mag-ingat ka sa pagluwas!', 'magminandal ka muna.', 'ano ang balita?'... ito ang karaniwan mong maririnig mula sa labi ng aking lolo. hindi ko na maririnig pang muli ang mga salitang iyon. lagi siya doon sa may kusina, nakasilip sa bintana, nag-iisip, pinapanood ang bawat sasakyang dumadaan sa kanilang bahay. hindi ko na muli pa siya makikita sa kanyang upuan. hindi ko na muli pa siya masasabayan sa pagkain ng instant noodles. hindi ko na siya maipagluluto pa muli ng kanyang paboritong spaghetti. hindi ko na siya maririnig mangulit na kunin ang kanyang blood pressure. hindi ko na muli pa siya makikita... ang aking lolo, siya ay nasa langit na.

napakasakit. hindi ako makapaniwala. habang nagwawala ako sa taxi nang matanggap ko ang tawag ng aking pinsan, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. hindi ko matanggap na wala na ang pinakamamahal kong lolo. napakasakit isipin na may oras akong alagaan ang mga pasyente ko sa ospital tuwing nagduduty ako, pero hindi ko man lang naalagaan ang aking lolo sa kanyang huling mga sandali. hindi ko man lang siya nakapiling.

siguro nga, lahat tayo ay dumadating sa ganong pagkakataon. kaya ngayon, kahit napakasakit para sa aming lahat, iniisip na lang namin na mapayapa na ang aming tatay sa piling ng Diyos. hinihingi ko po ang inyong mga panalangin para sa aming tatay. maraming salamat po.

Tatay, mamimiss po namin kayo. Gusto ko po na malaman n'yo na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal po namin kayo at kayo po ay manantili sa aming mga puso.

blogless

i am not a vocal person. i actually fail during oral recitations because i cannot express the things processed in the three parts of my brain. as i always say, i can write but i cannot speak. i have this mannerism of stuttering and saying ahh's and uhmm's a gazillion times before actually delivering what i wanted to say. i am the president of our class and i still need a spokesperson to meet my 42 poker- faced, big- mouthed, hard- headed classmates. i hate the fact that i am a total loser in speaking. it is one of the skills a good nurse must have and unluckily, i don't have it.

and now, i think i am losing my ability to express my thoughts through writing. lately, i have been very eager to blog but i cannot blog anything. my brain says 'type' but my hand says 'i don't want to, dammit!'. so now, because i cannot really tell you anything sensible, i will just share this really creative video from a british teen named charlie. i think i'm starting to like his videos. he is just so cool.

nineteen

i just turned 19... well, one week ago. haha! and because of that i came up with my 19 resolutions. and one of those, never mind the others, is to be a better citizen of our country. i finally decided to register myself as a voter whenever i have the free time. it suddenly hit me, like a comet from the neighboring universe- one vote really counts alot, right?

politics was the topic of our conversation a while ago. because the operating room was so benign, we just talked about things as such. we had a good time talking about stupid, corrupt, evil politicians who don't know anything but to pocket the money of taxpayers. and we just find the idea of celebrities who run as mayor, governor, congressman or counselor stupid. they don't know anything about running a country. when will they stop? maybe a school exclusive for celebrity aspirants is a fabulous idea. they must take courses like theology so they can can fully understand the meaning of 7 cardinal sins, economics so they can actually do something good if ever they win, and a subject like i- will- be- a- true- leader- because- i- love- my- country- and- its- citizens. well, i am not a total stereotyper. i don't say that all politicians are evil. i know that SOME have true and sincere intentions. and i applaud them for that. i appreciate their effort to do good while the others do evil things secretly. yeah right, as if people don't know their dirty deeds.

many are called but few are chosen... let us choose the best of the bests. do you want change? i'm nineteen and i want change! let us vote wisely, okay? this is not an ad of AKO MISMO or whatever. i just want a decent work after graduation. yes, that's it.

yeah dude!

one of my guy friends felt that nature was calling him so he asked me if he can do number 2 in our unit. i said yes 'cause i felt he really needed to do the thing. my other guy friend came with us. and moments after, another two testosteroned humans came.

it felt weird hanging out with the guys. i mean, being alone with four crazy guys in a room. it is not like we did something really crazy but it was, i must say, funny. i proved that guys really talk like that. 'ganda ng chick na to oh!', 'f*ck, ang galing ng move na yun ah', 'ano bago sa uaap?' and blah blah blah. i've been with them for the longest time but it was only today that i realized how different it is to hang out with the guys. they eat like monsters, they really dig hot women, they giggle on a manly way, they laugh and talk with their mouths full. but after all the boyish, disgusting, extraordinary stuffs, serious matters were still there. boys talk about love. boys believe that they still need the feeling of being loved.

for two and a half hours, i was just staring and observing them- how they talk about girls, how they cheer for their B-ball team, how they eat one pack of hotdogs in two minutes, how they forgot that i am with them in my own unit. boys... they are really funny :)

the lady in yellow

I was still nothing when the EDSA revolution happened but my mom's stories tell me that this one woman had been a real icon of democracy. She was our country's first lady president and had been one of the world's finest leaders. Courage, faith and true leadership are the things she will always be remembered for. President Cory Aquino, you will forever be in every Filipino's heart.

this is happiness.

happiness. it is what i always want to feel. i just don't know exactly what it is. all i know is i feel happy when i read a comic book, when i eat french fries, when i doodle on a paper, when i look at the blue, blue sky, when i wake up on a sunny day, when i watch comedy films, when i had a satisfying sleep, when i see fireworks, when people crack jokes, when i shout at the top of my lungs, when i look at my family, when i pray at the church or chapel, when i see my crush, when i know i helped someone, when i give, when i forgive, when i topped a quiz, when my patient got better, when i received something.

and now i just feel it. the unexpected, unexplainable, great feeling. no duty tomorrow. OOOOOOOHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAH!

anxiety, oohhhh, anxiety!

i just finished looking at the list of the new registered nurses of our nation. 32, 617 out of 77, 901 passed. and now all i feel is severe anxiety! hwooh!

now i have the feeling of pressure. you see, people have this certain level of expectation that you must meet. and that 'people' are your PARENTS. the ones who worked very hard for every cent of your tuition fee. the ones who believe that you will make them proud. on the other hand, some people say "okay lang bumagsak sa una. god's will." but hey, would you ever allow that? 'course not, right?

i have nine short months! now is the time to be seriously serious. from now on, time is more precious than gold.

unhealthy living

school was busy. many requirements to do. group meetings every after noon. barely have time to relax. or at least eat a decent food .i know how to cook. and i actually love to. but obviously, my schedule just won't allow me.

i've been a regular customer of KFC, mcdonald's and jollibee. oh yeah, july has been my fast food month. i know that too much fast food is bad. maybe the bad cholesterol in my body is already befriending my arteries so they can bind there forever and give me hypertension. and i don't want that. so since today is my free day, i decided to do the grocery and buy some healthy stuffs.

my grocery list:
- mixed vegetables
- oranges
- green leaves
- bananas
- yogurt
- milk
- wheat bread
- milk
- tofu
- fruit juice

things in my basket when i reached the counter:
- instant noodles
- canned meat sauce
- chocolate drink
- junk foods
- cookies
- 1 small pack of mixed veggies

talking about healthy living, eh? oh deymn, that is why i hate going to the grocery alone.